(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part two of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

This is the second post in a series I’ve written about my experience with complementarianism. If you haven’t read the first one, I hope you will because I think it’ll help explain where I’m coming from. I love complementarianism, but even more than that I love my brothers and sisters in Christ. If you don’t agree with my view, I want to clarify that I am not here to convince you of one thing or another. I'm not here to prove you wrong or change your mind. I just want to share how I began to see God's beauty and design in complementarianism and how it has changed my personal life and my church life for the better.

Before I was a Christian, I felt confused about gender roles. I had always felt that men and women were different on a natural, innate, and historic level. In some damaging ways, society was proving this correct, with gender pay gaps, sexual abuse, and objectification of women. I knew that was not the way men and women were supposed to be different. On the other hand, society was also claiming that there shouldn’t be any differences between men and women. While professionally, I believe that is true, it didn’t match with how I felt personally. It made me feel guilty that I hoped to one-day stay at home for a few years with my kids. I felt like it was wrong to embrace some of the traits I had, that I needed to dismiss the parts of me that were sensitive, emotional, and nurturing. Society wasn’t just saying that I could do and be everything a man could, it was saying that I should.

As I learned more about complementarianism, there was this tension within me. Part of it felt really peaceful; it was relief to think that I didn’t need to be everything to everyone all the time. I loved the idea that God made us to complement each other and that together we completed His idea of creation; that once He made man AND woman, He saw that it was good. I love that God designed marriage to reflect His beautiful Trinity; that wives and husbands have completely equal worth, value and importance, but have distinct roles and responsibilities. What a gift that we get to reflect the very essence of God in our own marriages! 

But part of learning about complementarianism was really painful and stressful and hard. I felt very resistant to the terms and phrases used in the Bible to describe this relationship. I realized I had to tackle one hard phrase at a time and really learn what God meant by those words, rather than solely relying on what society told me those words meant.

"So maybe leading means that my husband will be an example of how to love, he’ll lead in forgiving and seeking forgiveness, he’ll seek God in how to guide our family, he’ll lay down his life for me."

The Bible calls husbands to lead their wives. I know for me, I immediately associated ‘leader’ with someone who was better, more capable, smarter, more worthy, more important and who could make decisions that impacted my life whether I liked it or not. The more I read my Bible though, the more I felt sure that men and women are created equal in value and importance, in closeness to God, in intelligence and worth. And yet there were still many places that it talks about husbands leading their wives. Maybe leading, at least in this sense, wasn’t what I thought. Maybe leading meant going above and beyond to serve, honor and support their wives. Husbands are called to love their wives like Jesus loves the Church. On a love scale of 1 to 10, that must be a bajillion. That’s the kind of love I want - a husband who each day seeks to love me better because he knows he’ll never love me as much as Jesus loves the Church. So maybe leading means that my husband will be an example of how to love, he’ll lead in forgiving and seeking forgiveness, he’ll seek God in how to guide our family, he’ll lay down his life for me. When I started to view ‘leading’ like that, I realized I wanted nothing more than a husband who would lead me in this way. (And I found him! I get to marry him in September!)

Wives submit to their husbands. Ugh! That’s still a hard phrase for me. Submit has so many negative connotations. Maybe this is just me, but the word submit makes me think of when dogs roll over on their back and show submission. Not exactly the role I’m looking for in a marriage. Thankfully, that’s not the wife the Bible calls us to be. And Godly men aren’t looking for a wife like that either. So what was I going to do with sentences like that in the Bible? I didn’t want to dismiss them or even change them, but I needed to reframe them in my head. Culture and society have associated so much negativity with the word submit, that it’s hard to overcome. So I started to think of submitting instead as trusting, respecting, following and loving. I trust my (soon-to-be) husband to make good decisions. I respect his role and responsibilities and how they relate to our marriage. I’ll follow him through thick and thin. And I’ll love him through it all - both when things are going great, and in the moments he isn’t the husband he hopes to be.

"Slowly I was able to wrap my head around the idea that authority doesn’t equal value. Authority is a responsibility and a role; a part to play both in marriage and in the Trinity but not a measure of worth or importance."

The Bible also says that wives are to be under the authority of their husband. There’s another doozy! This one took me a long time to unpack and figure out. In my head authority equaled value, which didn’t match the truth I knew that men and women have equal value. So I knew I must be viewing authority incorrectly. This is an area where I was able to look right to the Trinity for answers. There are times when Jesus clearly submits to the authority of the Father, but I know that all three parts of the Trinity have equal value and worth. Slowly I was able to wrap my head around the idea that authority doesn’t equal value. Authority is a responsibility and a role; a part to play both in marriage and in the Trinity but not a measure of worth or importance.

“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” The word helper is another hard one, but I will start by saying that I now think the term is incredibly beautiful and I feel honored to have that word associated with my gender. Most of the times the word helper is used in the Bible, it is referring to God as a helper. Surely, I can’t be insulted when I am being compared to God’s character. The negative connotation behind helper again seems to come from our culture. Because there is shame in needing help, there is also shame in being a helper. We also view helper as someone who’s not quite capable of the job, but maybe can pretend to help. Wrong! When God was helping His children in the Bible, He was more than capable of accomplishing the job Himself but instead He offered Himself up to help out of kindness and love. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He completed His plan for creation by creating woman. This role should not be taken lightly and I want to challenge men and women alike to view this woman, and the term helper, with great reverence.

"God’s beautiful design lets us be who we are and flourish with the gifts He’s given us. I can be me, a woman, and have that be enough because I know where my value comes from."

I’ve found that when I take passages or ideas from the Bible that offend me and really dive into the meaning of them, I’m usually less offended or even love them by the end. That’s not to say that I’ve had some magical epiphany and that these things aren’t hard any more. Of course they’re hard. I have moments of resentment and bitterness. There are times when I avoid God’s truth. But I just remind myself that it is God’s truth. And I can believe it without fully understanding it, or even always liking it, and that’s okay. And when God’s word doesn’t sit well with me, I know that the only solution is more of His word. God’s plan for our lives is for our good. God’s beautiful design lets us be who we are and flourish with the gifts He’s given us. I can be me, a woman, and have that be enough because I know where my value comes from. 

Part 1 - Love First, Disagree Second

(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part one of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

It seems to be human nature to first look for what makes us different from each other before looking for what unites us. Titles, like complementarian and egalitarian, only make it easier to point at someone else and label them as wrong, different, or offensive. While I now hold complementarian beliefs, I’ve been both a non-Christian and an egalitarian in the past. I’ve felt from all sides the hurt and judgment that flies when these terms are brought up. So before I can talk about complementarianism and how I’ve come to see its beauty, I have to first bring up the fact that deciding on this issue isn’t ultimate; it’s not our salvation, and while I think that it’s important - I know that it is not as important as loving and calling Christ our Savior. 

We are saved by grace alone. I think we forget the magnitude of that sentence. We, lowly we, sinners, grumblers, complainers, hypocrites, we. Are saved, rescued, redeemed, sanctified, glorified, justified, loved, protected, are saved. By grace alone, by God alone, without our help, despite our inadequacy, regardless of our differences, by grace alone. On one hand we forget how significant that is for our own lives; how if we really truly understood and appreciated the meaning of that sentence we would want to do nothing but praise God. On the other hand, we forget how amazing it is to find other people who have this same glorious fate!

"Regardless of what side of this issue you’re on, or I’m on, I want there to be a mutual celebration between us - a deep, true rejoicing that we are both saved by grace alone."

Regardless of what side of this issue you’re on, or I’m on, I want there to be a mutual celebration between us - a deep, true rejoicing that we are both saved by grace alone. That alone unites us, strengthens us and makes us the Church. We forget that all too often. I’ve experienced it for myself on both sides. Egalitarians have made comments to me about complementarians oppressing women. Complementarians have made comments to me about egalitarians not loving the Bible. Now, both of those comments can be true and in some cases they are, and those extreme cases should be rebuked by both complementarians and egalitarians alike. But most often, they are not true. And we are doing a disservice to ourselves, to the Church, and to the Trinity by digging trenches between us when there ought to be conversation, community, and respectful disagreement.

Whenever an issue has two sides, and someone else is on a different side than us, we tend to imagine them way on the other side. And they imagine us way on our side. Through many conversations I’ve found that most people are actually much closer to the middle. I’m still on my side, you’re still on your side, but we’re within reach. There are things we can agree on. We can still value and respect each other. We can appreciate the other view even if we don’t agree. And we can remember that we all get front row seats in heaven. We’re all doing our best to understand and interpret the Bible. All of us are going to get some things right and other things wrong. Luckily, God doesn’t hand out A+’s and C’s at the gates of heaven. You don’t get an extra hour of play time with Jesus if you figured something out better than me. I don’t get a better singing voice if I figured out something better than you. We are saved by grace alone. And I adamantly believe that we will never have healthy conversations about egalitarianism and complementarianism if we forget that. So I will say it over and over. So that you don’t forget. And so that I don’t forget either. We are saved by grace alone. 

Should We Expect More From Our Teenagers?:  “What does it reveal about the condition of your heart if you are measuring your value by the number of likes you acquire on a social media site? And as concerning that is, what would ever inspire anyone to solicit fake likes?”

The Beauty And War Of True Fellowship: God has given us each other in the church, not just for company and co-belligerency, not just to chase away loneliness and lethargy, but to be to each other an indispensable means of his divine favor. We are for each other an essential element of the good work God has begun in us and promises to bring to completion (Philippians 1:6). Such is true fellowship.

Must Art Be Evangelistic To Be Christian?: The scriptures do not determine what art you must make. But they do focus on the content of your life and heart. So we must rule out anything that does not flow from a regenerated heart, anything done for selfish gain or sinful motive, whether speaking ill of someone in order to get a promotion or changing your music solely to gain acceptance and accolades.

15 Prayers For God's Power: But make no mistake, the pursuit of this might is not the path to human power and pride. It is the path of ceaseless warfare with your own self. The greatest power in the world among human beings is the power not to sin. The power of holiness and love.

If Jesus Is The 'Word of God' Can We Call The Bible The Word Of God?: At this point I think it becomes clearer that to pit Jesus as the Word of God incarnate against the Bible as the Word of God written is a false choice. It’s not only confused both at the level of language, not the attitude towards the Scripture taught to us by Jesus, but at the deeper level I fear it leads many to denigrate the diverse testimony of God to Christ in Scripture all in the name of elevating him. So then, is Jesus the Word of God? Yes and Amen. Should we still speak of the Bible as the Word of God? Of course we should–Jesus told us to.

The Problem With Jesus: So when it comes to evangelism, we do have a problem with Jesus. But we also have a wonderful opportunity. In every way, the Jesus of history and of heaven is more genuine, and brings more joy, than the domesticated fake Christs of our culture. It’s our privilege to be able to say to someone, “Let me tell you about my Jesus. He’s more compassionate, more controversial, more compelling than you ever imagined. And he’s real. Wouldn’t you love to know him?”

The Gospel Of Resurrection And Repentance: The Church was founded on the belief that the resurrection demonstrates the lordship of the Son of God. If Jesus has risen from the dead, then that historical fact is sufficient evidence that He is who He said He was. And if He is truly Lord and God, He has every right to claim absolute rule over every life. Slow down and read that sentence again, for it will truly change your life if you believe it. If Jesus is Lord, He has absolute and unbounded authority over all things—including you.

Delighting In The Greater Adoption: God did not choose to adopt you because of anything you did, for we are completely undeserving of his great adoption. As a helpless baby in Romania, I could not do anything to prove that I was worthy of being adopted. I could not work my way into my earthly father's heart. I could do nothing but accept and enjoy the gift of adoption. As God's child, there is nothing you can do to make him love you more, for he has already given the greatest gift—his Son.

How Complementarian Teaching Shaped My Life: So I am not surprised when people who do not know Christ do not conform their lives to God's standard for gender and sexuality. And in some sense, it is easy to understand how even young believers or confused believers, living in a sensual culture, can fail to understand God's standards for purity, gender, and marriage. It's a process for all of us as we are conformed into the image of Christ. Here are a few things I learned in my journey to understanding what it means to live out the ethics of Christ regarding sexuality and gender, a view that I have come to know as complementarianism.

photo credit: Stuck in Customs via photopin cc