(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part four of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

I’ve written three posts about why I love complementarianism and I just want to finish with why I think this matters. We’ve all had or seen dysfunctional relationships in our lives, and they are hard, painful, and wounded parts of our past. I want to encourage you that God made relationships for our good, and through His Word, I believe He gave us the tools to help us navigate them. It seems obvious to say it, but the Bible is written very intentionally. There is a reason that we don’t see exact examples of how marriages play out in the Bible. We don’t see many instructions as to how exactly what responsibilities husbands and wives are supposed to have. And while I do think God’s vision for marriage includes men and women having different roles, I don’t think he wants us to put prescriptive boundaries around what that should look like. A complementarian relationship doesn’t always mean the wife stays home and doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean that husbands never cook or clean. It doesn’t mean that wives are quiet and meek and coy. But it also can mean all of those things. And both of those marriages and families can be equally beautiful and equally honoring to God. Complementarianism is a beautiful dance, a give and take, and a balance of two people made for each other.

And by some sweet grace of God, He gives us a shot at reflecting the Trinity with our marriages.

It’s not my job (or your job) to look around and point at marriages and say what they should or shouldn’t be doing. But I will openly and proudly look into my Bible and share what I’ve found. I’ve found that the Trinity is a beautiful, confusing, mind-boggling mystery. In the Trinity, we find one God existing as three persons. We see the Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit - all unique and yet together making up one God. They complement each other. They complete each other. They honor each other. Jesus submits to the Father’s authority. They are, together, the most wonderful thing we know. They are God, united, equal and differing. And by some sweet grace of God, He gives us a shot at reflecting the Trinity with our marriages. We get to become two in one. We get to honor and complete each other. We get to be distinct and united. And just like I know I’ll never fully grasp the Trinity, I know I’ll never fully ‘get’ marriage. My marriage will never be quite as beautiful as God intended. Until Jesus returns, I’ll never be the wife God dreamed of when He made Eve. My selfishness will inhibit me from truly becoming two in one. But that’s okay. God’s grace is enough. We are saved by grace alone. And I am so excited that I get to reflect God’s beautiful design in my marriage.

I believe marriage is one of the hardest and most significant things I will ever do, and I’m so thankful that God has given me a sense of how it can look.

I know that God’s plan is for my good, so when I look at the Bible and see how God describes marriage; that’s what I’m going to strive for. Even when it’s hard and messy and I don’t feel like it. I believe marriage is one of the hardest and most significant things I will ever do, and I’m so thankful that God has given me a sense of how it can look. It’s so helpful having a baseline idea of the wife I want to be. Then, even on days when things don’t feel quite right, I have somewhere to turn and a wonderful, loving, merciful God to rely on. I encourage us all to look deeply at how God’s Word is able to speak into our marriages. I encourage us to live our marriages out loud, to talk and share and struggle and learn with each other. Besides His Son, I believe God’s biggest gift to us is our relationships; whether that be marriages, friendships and families. Let’s take full advantage of those and embrace God’s good and holy plan for our lives.

We’re saved by grace even when we don’t agree on this issue...

I would hope that all of us, wherever we fall on the issue of complementarianism or egalitarianism, would let God’s voice be the loudest. Not society’s or culture’s, not our own, not our parent’s or sister’s or neighbor’s, but God’s true and honest Word. I pray that we will remember that we are saved by grace alone. We’re saved by grace even when we don’t agree on this issue. We are saved when we are selfish wives and husbands. We are saved when we are confused and hurt and struggling. We should feel freedom to pursue this with an open heart because it has God’s love behind it.

Thanks for reading!

Part 1 - Love First, Disagree Second

Part 2 - How Being Different Made Me Feel Whole

Part 3 - One Way A Complementarian Relationship Can Look 

(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part three of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

This is the third in a series of posts I’ve written about complementarianism. I’ve written about how I don’t think your view on this issue is ultimate and how Jesus is always better. I’ve written about my journey to finding the beauty in God’s plan for relationships. And now I want to say is a little bit about how complementarianism has worked in my own relationship. Every couple is different and there is no ‘right’ way for this to be played out, but this is how it’s worked out for us. Anthony and I are engaged and will get married this fall. So all I can do is share what it’s been like so far. Also, I’m going to focus on the wonderful ways complementarianism shows itself in our relationship, but like any relationship, there are also bumps and hurt feelings and misunderstandings - just so you know I’m not trying to sugar coat this.

One way I have loved how this has taken shape in our relationship is how Anthony supports and encourages my emotions.

One way I have loved how this has taken shape in our relationship is how Anthony supports and encourages my emotions. I hate how society makes women feel crazy or dramatic or like we’re overreacting when we experience strong emotions. Unlike tv shows (and past relationships), Anthony never tells me to “calm down” or “stop crying” or “you’re overreacting”. He hugs me and loves me and tells me he loves how much I care about my friends or family or season finale of Parenthood or whatever it might be. Because Anthony and I know that men and women aren’t made the same, it gives us space to be different. He knows I’m made differently, that I process differently and react differently to situations. It would be really hard if he expected me to act like him in all scenarios, or if I wanted him to have the same reactions as me.

Because I have seen him make so many decisions well, by praying and talking and taking time, I trust his decisions even when I don’t necessarily agree.

I also see complementarianism play out in how we make decisions together. For smaller day-to-day decisions, I feel like we often try to ‘out-nice’ each other. I want to follow his lead and let him make decisions. He wants to be a servant leader and make sure we’re doing something that makes me happy. Although it can lead to comical indecision, I love that we both want to do what’s best for the other person. For bigger decisions, I feel like the most prized and valued consultant. I know that Anthony seeks my opinion and ideas on any decision. I know he really listens and allows himself to be changed by what I say. And he talks through his train of thought with me and allows me to weigh in and help guide the decision. Because I have seen him make so many decisions well, by praying and talking and taking time, I trust his decisions even when I don’t necessarily agree.

The most important thing that we try to remember is that it’s our individual job to be the best husband and wife we can be. If he is continually trying to grow closer to God and love me like Jesus loves the Church, and I’m pursuing God and working to be a supportive, strong, helpful wife then I think we’ll do pretty well. The trouble comes when I expect certain behavior out of him, or when he expects behavior out of me. There will be (and have been) times when Anthony doesn’t feel like leading and there will be (and have been) times when I feel feisty and stubborn and independent. But we will work to have grace for each other, like God has had so much grace for us.

Because of God’s design, we don’t have to be everything. We can be who we are; just as God created us.

Relationships are hard, and I have no doubt that marriage will be harder. But it’s also beautiful and significant; a holy covenant made with God. I love that we will be able to emulate the Trinity in our marriage, by having different roles but the same value, that we will be two in one. Because of God’s grace, we don’t have to be perfect. Because of God’s design, we don’t have to be everything. We can be who we are; just as God created us. Anthony can be Anthony, a man, a husband, and God’s cherished son. I can be me, a woman, a wife, and God’s cherished daughter. 

Part 1 - Love First, Disagree Second

Part 2 - How Being Different Made Me Feel Whole

(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part two of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

This is the second post in a series I’ve written about my experience with complementarianism. If you haven’t read the first one, I hope you will because I think it’ll help explain where I’m coming from. I love complementarianism, but even more than that I love my brothers and sisters in Christ. If you don’t agree with my view, I want to clarify that I am not here to convince you of one thing or another. I'm not here to prove you wrong or change your mind. I just want to share how I began to see God's beauty and design in complementarianism and how it has changed my personal life and my church life for the better.

Before I was a Christian, I felt confused about gender roles. I had always felt that men and women were different on a natural, innate, and historic level. In some damaging ways, society was proving this correct, with gender pay gaps, sexual abuse, and objectification of women. I knew that was not the way men and women were supposed to be different. On the other hand, society was also claiming that there shouldn’t be any differences between men and women. While professionally, I believe that is true, it didn’t match with how I felt personally. It made me feel guilty that I hoped to one-day stay at home for a few years with my kids. I felt like it was wrong to embrace some of the traits I had, that I needed to dismiss the parts of me that were sensitive, emotional, and nurturing. Society wasn’t just saying that I could do and be everything a man could, it was saying that I should.

As I learned more about complementarianism, there was this tension within me. Part of it felt really peaceful; it was relief to think that I didn’t need to be everything to everyone all the time. I loved the idea that God made us to complement each other and that together we completed His idea of creation; that once He made man AND woman, He saw that it was good. I love that God designed marriage to reflect His beautiful Trinity; that wives and husbands have completely equal worth, value and importance, but have distinct roles and responsibilities. What a gift that we get to reflect the very essence of God in our own marriages! 

But part of learning about complementarianism was really painful and stressful and hard. I felt very resistant to the terms and phrases used in the Bible to describe this relationship. I realized I had to tackle one hard phrase at a time and really learn what God meant by those words, rather than solely relying on what society told me those words meant.

"So maybe leading means that my husband will be an example of how to love, he’ll lead in forgiving and seeking forgiveness, he’ll seek God in how to guide our family, he’ll lay down his life for me."

The Bible calls husbands to lead their wives. I know for me, I immediately associated ‘leader’ with someone who was better, more capable, smarter, more worthy, more important and who could make decisions that impacted my life whether I liked it or not. The more I read my Bible though, the more I felt sure that men and women are created equal in value and importance, in closeness to God, in intelligence and worth. And yet there were still many places that it talks about husbands leading their wives. Maybe leading, at least in this sense, wasn’t what I thought. Maybe leading meant going above and beyond to serve, honor and support their wives. Husbands are called to love their wives like Jesus loves the Church. On a love scale of 1 to 10, that must be a bajillion. That’s the kind of love I want - a husband who each day seeks to love me better because he knows he’ll never love me as much as Jesus loves the Church. So maybe leading means that my husband will be an example of how to love, he’ll lead in forgiving and seeking forgiveness, he’ll seek God in how to guide our family, he’ll lay down his life for me. When I started to view ‘leading’ like that, I realized I wanted nothing more than a husband who would lead me in this way. (And I found him! I get to marry him in September!)

Wives submit to their husbands. Ugh! That’s still a hard phrase for me. Submit has so many negative connotations. Maybe this is just me, but the word submit makes me think of when dogs roll over on their back and show submission. Not exactly the role I’m looking for in a marriage. Thankfully, that’s not the wife the Bible calls us to be. And Godly men aren’t looking for a wife like that either. So what was I going to do with sentences like that in the Bible? I didn’t want to dismiss them or even change them, but I needed to reframe them in my head. Culture and society have associated so much negativity with the word submit, that it’s hard to overcome. So I started to think of submitting instead as trusting, respecting, following and loving. I trust my (soon-to-be) husband to make good decisions. I respect his role and responsibilities and how they relate to our marriage. I’ll follow him through thick and thin. And I’ll love him through it all - both when things are going great, and in the moments he isn’t the husband he hopes to be.

"Slowly I was able to wrap my head around the idea that authority doesn’t equal value. Authority is a responsibility and a role; a part to play both in marriage and in the Trinity but not a measure of worth or importance."

The Bible also says that wives are to be under the authority of their husband. There’s another doozy! This one took me a long time to unpack and figure out. In my head authority equaled value, which didn’t match the truth I knew that men and women have equal value. So I knew I must be viewing authority incorrectly. This is an area where I was able to look right to the Trinity for answers. There are times when Jesus clearly submits to the authority of the Father, but I know that all three parts of the Trinity have equal value and worth. Slowly I was able to wrap my head around the idea that authority doesn’t equal value. Authority is a responsibility and a role; a part to play both in marriage and in the Trinity but not a measure of worth or importance.

“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” The word helper is another hard one, but I will start by saying that I now think the term is incredibly beautiful and I feel honored to have that word associated with my gender. Most of the times the word helper is used in the Bible, it is referring to God as a helper. Surely, I can’t be insulted when I am being compared to God’s character. The negative connotation behind helper again seems to come from our culture. Because there is shame in needing help, there is also shame in being a helper. We also view helper as someone who’s not quite capable of the job, but maybe can pretend to help. Wrong! When God was helping His children in the Bible, He was more than capable of accomplishing the job Himself but instead He offered Himself up to help out of kindness and love. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He completed His plan for creation by creating woman. This role should not be taken lightly and I want to challenge men and women alike to view this woman, and the term helper, with great reverence.

"God’s beautiful design lets us be who we are and flourish with the gifts He’s given us. I can be me, a woman, and have that be enough because I know where my value comes from."

I’ve found that when I take passages or ideas from the Bible that offend me and really dive into the meaning of them, I’m usually less offended or even love them by the end. That’s not to say that I’ve had some magical epiphany and that these things aren’t hard any more. Of course they’re hard. I have moments of resentment and bitterness. There are times when I avoid God’s truth. But I just remind myself that it is God’s truth. And I can believe it without fully understanding it, or even always liking it, and that’s okay. And when God’s word doesn’t sit well with me, I know that the only solution is more of His word. God’s plan for our lives is for our good. God’s beautiful design lets us be who we are and flourish with the gifts He’s given us. I can be me, a woman, and have that be enough because I know where my value comes from. 

Part 1 - Love First, Disagree Second

(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part one of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

It seems to be human nature to first look for what makes us different from each other before looking for what unites us. Titles, like complementarian and egalitarian, only make it easier to point at someone else and label them as wrong, different, or offensive. While I now hold complementarian beliefs, I’ve been both a non-Christian and an egalitarian in the past. I’ve felt from all sides the hurt and judgment that flies when these terms are brought up. So before I can talk about complementarianism and how I’ve come to see its beauty, I have to first bring up the fact that deciding on this issue isn’t ultimate; it’s not our salvation, and while I think that it’s important - I know that it is not as important as loving and calling Christ our Savior. 

We are saved by grace alone. I think we forget the magnitude of that sentence. We, lowly we, sinners, grumblers, complainers, hypocrites, we. Are saved, rescued, redeemed, sanctified, glorified, justified, loved, protected, are saved. By grace alone, by God alone, without our help, despite our inadequacy, regardless of our differences, by grace alone. On one hand we forget how significant that is for our own lives; how if we really truly understood and appreciated the meaning of that sentence we would want to do nothing but praise God. On the other hand, we forget how amazing it is to find other people who have this same glorious fate!

"Regardless of what side of this issue you’re on, or I’m on, I want there to be a mutual celebration between us - a deep, true rejoicing that we are both saved by grace alone."

Regardless of what side of this issue you’re on, or I’m on, I want there to be a mutual celebration between us - a deep, true rejoicing that we are both saved by grace alone. That alone unites us, strengthens us and makes us the Church. We forget that all too often. I’ve experienced it for myself on both sides. Egalitarians have made comments to me about complementarians oppressing women. Complementarians have made comments to me about egalitarians not loving the Bible. Now, both of those comments can be true and in some cases they are, and those extreme cases should be rebuked by both complementarians and egalitarians alike. But most often, they are not true. And we are doing a disservice to ourselves, to the Church, and to the Trinity by digging trenches between us when there ought to be conversation, community, and respectful disagreement.

Whenever an issue has two sides, and someone else is on a different side than us, we tend to imagine them way on the other side. And they imagine us way on our side. Through many conversations I’ve found that most people are actually much closer to the middle. I’m still on my side, you’re still on your side, but we’re within reach. There are things we can agree on. We can still value and respect each other. We can appreciate the other view even if we don’t agree. And we can remember that we all get front row seats in heaven. We’re all doing our best to understand and interpret the Bible. All of us are going to get some things right and other things wrong. Luckily, God doesn’t hand out A+’s and C’s at the gates of heaven. You don’t get an extra hour of play time with Jesus if you figured something out better than me. I don’t get a better singing voice if I figured out something better than you. We are saved by grace alone. And I adamantly believe that we will never have healthy conversations about egalitarianism and complementarianism if we forget that. So I will say it over and over. So that you don’t forget. And so that I don’t forget either. We are saved by grace alone. 

What Does It Mean To Be Gospel Centered?: John Piper explains what it means to be gospel-centered or cross-centered.

Resolve To Be A Life Long Learner: The Christian faith is not a finite course of study for the front-end of adulthood. Our mindset shouldn’t be to first do our learning and then spend the rest of our lives drawing from that original deposit of knowledge. Rather, ongoing health in the Christian life is inextricably linked to ongoing learning.

Choose Hospitality Over Entertainment: It revealed my own lack of understanding about the nature and purpose of hospitality. In my self-righteous desire to offer advice, I had confused hospitality with its evil twin, entertaining. The two ideas aren't the same. 

12 Struggles Singles Face: When we hear the word “single” we usually think of one kind of single – someone maybe 25-50 who has not married. But there are other kinds of singles: widows, single parents, divorcees, those who suffer with same-sex attraction, and even those who are in loveless marriages – perhaps the most painful singleness of all. But for all singles, there are twelve struggles that must be faced at different stages and to different degrees.

Does God Have A Purpose In My Life?: Most people want to know God’s purpose for their lives, but they simply don’t know where to look. Is it possible to even know God’s purpose for our lives? And how do we discover what it is? Psalm 57 teaches us three truths about our God-given purpose.

How Can A Mature Christian Be Fed In A Missional Community?: There is much that can be said on this, but it is best to focus on the most mature Christian that ever lived, Jesus Christ and what He has to say and even demonstrates about being fed. I’m well aware that not everyone is Jesus, and that many people far from God and new to Christianity need to be taught the bible. But we must also be careful to teach them to feed themselves, not make them dependent on someone else to teach them.

4 Dangers For Complementarian's: Of course, many people will disagree with complementarianism—often quite vehemently—no matter what we say or do. But the truth is offensive enough without our help. We don’t need to add to its offense with our own faults and foibles. I therefore list four dangers to which we should be particularly sensitive, even while we stand firm in the face of pressure from our more aggressive critics.

photo credit: Stuck in Customs via photopin cc