(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part four of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

I’ve written three posts about why I love complementarianism and I just want to finish with why I think this matters. We’ve all had or seen dysfunctional relationships in our lives, and they are hard, painful, and wounded parts of our past. I want to encourage you that God made relationships for our good, and through His Word, I believe He gave us the tools to help us navigate them. It seems obvious to say it, but the Bible is written very intentionally. There is a reason that we don’t see exact examples of how marriages play out in the Bible. We don’t see many instructions as to how exactly what responsibilities husbands and wives are supposed to have. And while I do think God’s vision for marriage includes men and women having different roles, I don’t think he wants us to put prescriptive boundaries around what that should look like. A complementarian relationship doesn’t always mean the wife stays home and doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean that husbands never cook or clean. It doesn’t mean that wives are quiet and meek and coy. But it also can mean all of those things. And both of those marriages and families can be equally beautiful and equally honoring to God. Complementarianism is a beautiful dance, a give and take, and a balance of two people made for each other.

And by some sweet grace of God, He gives us a shot at reflecting the Trinity with our marriages.

It’s not my job (or your job) to look around and point at marriages and say what they should or shouldn’t be doing. But I will openly and proudly look into my Bible and share what I’ve found. I’ve found that the Trinity is a beautiful, confusing, mind-boggling mystery. In the Trinity, we find one God existing as three persons. We see the Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit - all unique and yet together making up one God. They complement each other. They complete each other. They honor each other. Jesus submits to the Father’s authority. They are, together, the most wonderful thing we know. They are God, united, equal and differing. And by some sweet grace of God, He gives us a shot at reflecting the Trinity with our marriages. We get to become two in one. We get to honor and complete each other. We get to be distinct and united. And just like I know I’ll never fully grasp the Trinity, I know I’ll never fully ‘get’ marriage. My marriage will never be quite as beautiful as God intended. Until Jesus returns, I’ll never be the wife God dreamed of when He made Eve. My selfishness will inhibit me from truly becoming two in one. But that’s okay. God’s grace is enough. We are saved by grace alone. And I am so excited that I get to reflect God’s beautiful design in my marriage.

I believe marriage is one of the hardest and most significant things I will ever do, and I’m so thankful that God has given me a sense of how it can look.

I know that God’s plan is for my good, so when I look at the Bible and see how God describes marriage; that’s what I’m going to strive for. Even when it’s hard and messy and I don’t feel like it. I believe marriage is one of the hardest and most significant things I will ever do, and I’m so thankful that God has given me a sense of how it can look. It’s so helpful having a baseline idea of the wife I want to be. Then, even on days when things don’t feel quite right, I have somewhere to turn and a wonderful, loving, merciful God to rely on. I encourage us all to look deeply at how God’s Word is able to speak into our marriages. I encourage us to live our marriages out loud, to talk and share and struggle and learn with each other. Besides His Son, I believe God’s biggest gift to us is our relationships; whether that be marriages, friendships and families. Let’s take full advantage of those and embrace God’s good and holy plan for our lives.

We’re saved by grace even when we don’t agree on this issue...

I would hope that all of us, wherever we fall on the issue of complementarianism or egalitarianism, would let God’s voice be the loudest. Not society’s or culture’s, not our own, not our parent’s or sister’s or neighbor’s, but God’s true and honest Word. I pray that we will remember that we are saved by grace alone. We’re saved by grace even when we don’t agree on this issue. We are saved when we are selfish wives and husbands. We are saved when we are confused and hurt and struggling. We should feel freedom to pursue this with an open heart because it has God’s love behind it.

Thanks for reading!

Part 1 - Love First, Disagree Second

Part 2 - How Being Different Made Me Feel Whole

Part 3 - One Way A Complementarian Relationship Can Look 

(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part three of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

This is the third in a series of posts I’ve written about complementarianism. I’ve written about how I don’t think your view on this issue is ultimate and how Jesus is always better. I’ve written about my journey to finding the beauty in God’s plan for relationships. And now I want to say is a little bit about how complementarianism has worked in my own relationship. Every couple is different and there is no ‘right’ way for this to be played out, but this is how it’s worked out for us. Anthony and I are engaged and will get married this fall. So all I can do is share what it’s been like so far. Also, I’m going to focus on the wonderful ways complementarianism shows itself in our relationship, but like any relationship, there are also bumps and hurt feelings and misunderstandings - just so you know I’m not trying to sugar coat this.

One way I have loved how this has taken shape in our relationship is how Anthony supports and encourages my emotions.

One way I have loved how this has taken shape in our relationship is how Anthony supports and encourages my emotions. I hate how society makes women feel crazy or dramatic or like we’re overreacting when we experience strong emotions. Unlike tv shows (and past relationships), Anthony never tells me to “calm down” or “stop crying” or “you’re overreacting”. He hugs me and loves me and tells me he loves how much I care about my friends or family or season finale of Parenthood or whatever it might be. Because Anthony and I know that men and women aren’t made the same, it gives us space to be different. He knows I’m made differently, that I process differently and react differently to situations. It would be really hard if he expected me to act like him in all scenarios, or if I wanted him to have the same reactions as me.

Because I have seen him make so many decisions well, by praying and talking and taking time, I trust his decisions even when I don’t necessarily agree.

I also see complementarianism play out in how we make decisions together. For smaller day-to-day decisions, I feel like we often try to ‘out-nice’ each other. I want to follow his lead and let him make decisions. He wants to be a servant leader and make sure we’re doing something that makes me happy. Although it can lead to comical indecision, I love that we both want to do what’s best for the other person. For bigger decisions, I feel like the most prized and valued consultant. I know that Anthony seeks my opinion and ideas on any decision. I know he really listens and allows himself to be changed by what I say. And he talks through his train of thought with me and allows me to weigh in and help guide the decision. Because I have seen him make so many decisions well, by praying and talking and taking time, I trust his decisions even when I don’t necessarily agree.

The most important thing that we try to remember is that it’s our individual job to be the best husband and wife we can be. If he is continually trying to grow closer to God and love me like Jesus loves the Church, and I’m pursuing God and working to be a supportive, strong, helpful wife then I think we’ll do pretty well. The trouble comes when I expect certain behavior out of him, or when he expects behavior out of me. There will be (and have been) times when Anthony doesn’t feel like leading and there will be (and have been) times when I feel feisty and stubborn and independent. But we will work to have grace for each other, like God has had so much grace for us.

Because of God’s design, we don’t have to be everything. We can be who we are; just as God created us.

Relationships are hard, and I have no doubt that marriage will be harder. But it’s also beautiful and significant; a holy covenant made with God. I love that we will be able to emulate the Trinity in our marriage, by having different roles but the same value, that we will be two in one. Because of God’s grace, we don’t have to be perfect. Because of God’s design, we don’t have to be everything. We can be who we are; just as God created us. Anthony can be Anthony, a man, a husband, and God’s cherished son. I can be me, a woman, a wife, and God’s cherished daughter. 

Part 1 - Love First, Disagree Second

Part 2 - How Being Different Made Me Feel Whole

(By Celeste Chute)

Editors' note: Below is part one of a four part blog series on one person's thoughts and journey about gender and gender roles.

It seems to be human nature to first look for what makes us different from each other before looking for what unites us. Titles, like complementarian and egalitarian, only make it easier to point at someone else and label them as wrong, different, or offensive. While I now hold complementarian beliefs, I’ve been both a non-Christian and an egalitarian in the past. I’ve felt from all sides the hurt and judgment that flies when these terms are brought up. So before I can talk about complementarianism and how I’ve come to see its beauty, I have to first bring up the fact that deciding on this issue isn’t ultimate; it’s not our salvation, and while I think that it’s important - I know that it is not as important as loving and calling Christ our Savior. 

We are saved by grace alone. I think we forget the magnitude of that sentence. We, lowly we, sinners, grumblers, complainers, hypocrites, we. Are saved, rescued, redeemed, sanctified, glorified, justified, loved, protected, are saved. By grace alone, by God alone, without our help, despite our inadequacy, regardless of our differences, by grace alone. On one hand we forget how significant that is for our own lives; how if we really truly understood and appreciated the meaning of that sentence we would want to do nothing but praise God. On the other hand, we forget how amazing it is to find other people who have this same glorious fate!

"Regardless of what side of this issue you’re on, or I’m on, I want there to be a mutual celebration between us - a deep, true rejoicing that we are both saved by grace alone."

Regardless of what side of this issue you’re on, or I’m on, I want there to be a mutual celebration between us - a deep, true rejoicing that we are both saved by grace alone. That alone unites us, strengthens us and makes us the Church. We forget that all too often. I’ve experienced it for myself on both sides. Egalitarians have made comments to me about complementarians oppressing women. Complementarians have made comments to me about egalitarians not loving the Bible. Now, both of those comments can be true and in some cases they are, and those extreme cases should be rebuked by both complementarians and egalitarians alike. But most often, they are not true. And we are doing a disservice to ourselves, to the Church, and to the Trinity by digging trenches between us when there ought to be conversation, community, and respectful disagreement.

Whenever an issue has two sides, and someone else is on a different side than us, we tend to imagine them way on the other side. And they imagine us way on our side. Through many conversations I’ve found that most people are actually much closer to the middle. I’m still on my side, you’re still on your side, but we’re within reach. There are things we can agree on. We can still value and respect each other. We can appreciate the other view even if we don’t agree. And we can remember that we all get front row seats in heaven. We’re all doing our best to understand and interpret the Bible. All of us are going to get some things right and other things wrong. Luckily, God doesn’t hand out A+’s and C’s at the gates of heaven. You don’t get an extra hour of play time with Jesus if you figured something out better than me. I don’t get a better singing voice if I figured out something better than you. We are saved by grace alone. And I adamantly believe that we will never have healthy conversations about egalitarianism and complementarianism if we forget that. So I will say it over and over. So that you don’t forget. And so that I don’t forget either. We are saved by grace alone. 

What I Would Have To Deny To Deny Hell: If I am to deny that hell is a real place, if I am to deny that hell is that kind of place, I will be turning my back on two thousand years of Christian history—on two thousand years of brothers and sisters in Christ who had great knowledge of Scripture and the illumination of the Holy Spirit. I’ll grant that there are times this is necessary; there are times that many Christians are wrong about many things. But such a decision must be made with great fear and trembling and only on the basis of overwhelming Scriptural evidence.

3 Truths For A Tired Mother: Tired mother, the days and nights with babies sometimes feel long, stretching out in front of you in what looks like ceaseless repetition. But before you know it, your baby grows into a boy who grows into a young man. This is the day the Lord has made. Even when you're tired, rejoice and be glad in it.

Is Your Marriage A Picture Of The Gospel?: If marriage is a picture of Christ and his love for his church, then much more is at stake than my happiness. The world should long for what Christians have. If our marriages aren’t filled with kindness and joy, why would anyone want what we offer? But when they see in us a mutual delight, a gentle and easy trust in one another, they can’t help but ask, “What’s your secret?” And we can tell them that it’s no secret at all. It’s Jesus.

Our Children's First Glimpse Of The Value Of Work: Stay-at-home parents can feel like their work is a thankless and ordinary endeavor. I once heard someone say that the very God who does such routine tasks as raising the sun each morning calls us to daily work in the ordinary and routine. There is much encouragement for the stay-at-home parent in this pattern. We can work with purpose and skill, whether we are in the home or out of the home, knowing that in Christ every labor to which we set our hearts is never in vain.

When The Sex Should Stop: Speaking again to men, when this is our wife’s circumstance, whether by doctor’s order or by that vibe we can intuit, it is our privilege to lead in laying aside our sexual desires for her good. Maybe just for a few nights, or maybe many months, depending on the situation, the sex should stop and we should pray. We should lead our wives in prayer that our marriage reflect the glory of Christ and his gospel, that God transpose the unfulfilled passion for sex into an enjoyment of his sufficiency, and that, as much as possible, the circumstances that made the sex stop stay a sometimes. Because it’s sometimes that sex should stop in marriage.

50 Shades Of Nay: Sin Is A Needle, Not A Toy: Sin is a needle that indulges deadly addictions and murders its victims. It is not the toy it pretends to be. It pierces quietly and deeply to the most vulnerable and longest-lasting parts of us. In whatever package — however beautiful, captivating, and culturally accepted — it is not safe. In the end, the guilty pleasure is no pleasure at all. Only God can please what our eyes and hearts truly crave.

5 Tips For Bible Memory: The process of memorizing can be can a profound opportunity to make sure that we “do not refuse him who is speaking” (Hebrews 12:25). Here are five simple tips for doing a February refresh on Scripture memorization.

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Why Do These Pentecostals Keep Growing?: Well, I'd have some theological nuances I’d like to bring in, but from a sociological perspective my response is, “I wouldn’t downplay what is in the engine.” You don’t care for some of their expression? That’s fine. But Pentecostals are trying to reach the lost and grow the Kingdom.

How Not To Be A Racist: A recent study reveals that the majority of African-Americans still believe that race is a huge issue in our society, while the majority of whites do not think that race is a significant factor.  I’m not here to affirm or dispute the report, but at the very least, what these findings reveal is the continued chasm that exists between these two ethnicities.

9 Step To Putting That Sin To Death: All throughout the New Testament we are told to put our sin to death. For example, in Colossians 3 Paul says, “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” How do you do that? How do you stop a sin, and how do you stop an especially stubborn and deep-rooted sin? Is there any hope? I want to track with John Owen here (via his great work Overcoming Sin and Temptation) and give a list of 9 things you need to do to overcome sin. Consider that sin that is prevalent in your life and then consider each of these 9 steps.

Give Us This Day Our Daily News: Even more, we must pray as events scroll across the screen. Develop this discipline. Let your news intake get you out of yourself and move you to pray, and then to act as you are able. Let the news be an instigator to get you involved in all that God is doing in this world that belongs—without hype, sensationalism or slant—to Him. 

The Missing Ingredient In Many Sermons: From a guy who has to fight every single day to have my heart moved by the gospel, hear my plea: don’t be content to just give your hearers a comprehensive tour guide through a passage, connect the dots to show the glory, grandeur and greatness of God in it so they can join you in marveling at the glorious view. It’s a little thing, but it makes a big difference for you and the church.

A Word About Men And Marriage: I’m tired of men who act like boys. Just because the woman is a weaker vessel doesn’t mean you get to abuse her with your cold immaturity (1 Peter 3:7). Where are the tender-hearted men who cry over their sin instead of their football game? Where are the men who lead like Jesus, selflessly sacrificing their time, energy, and love for the sake of their family? I know you’re out there. Stay the course. And listen, young men who wish to be married, don’t act like a child. You are a man.

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The Dividing Wall Is Gone: When we fight for deep relationships with those we are tempted to view as racially divided from us, humility results on both sides. We learn to value differences and to recognize how much we have in common as children of the same God. And we cease trying to rebuild walls that have been crushed to dust by the peacemaking work of Christ, by which many are made one.

TV And The Virtuous Idol of Family: On the contrary, when people ask you about your favorite shows, you often spout it out with no shame because, after all, it’s a harmless and heartfelt drama about the people who matter most in our lives, right? And how can we expect non-Christians to act like Christians in a show made by non-Christians?

When Someone Reaches Out, Reach Back: And if no one is reaching toward you, take it upon yourself to reach out first. Be what you want others to be toward you. I guarantee that everyone is looking for the same thing you are: to be loved.

Kids And Missional Communities - What About Bible Studies?: During the Bible or book study meetings, you will probably need to arrange childcare in order to get the most out of that time. As a community, think through your options for caring for the children well during this season. One option is to pool your money together and hire some sitters to watch the kids at one of the group members’ houses. You could also talk to your church about meeting during a time when childcare is available, such as a second service hour, a Wednesday evening gathering, or a Sunday school hour.

Why Teenage Suicide Is More Than A Statistic For Me: When I hear of another child bullied to death, or another depression that ends in despair, I am right back in that flowery funeral home, standing over my best friend’s casket, the smell of flowers that cannot overcome the stench of death. I’m there again looking at his pale face, angry with him, angry with myself, angry at the evil one, and filled with grief. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants to scream: This isn’t right. Someone do something! 

Is Marriage "Just A Piece Of Paper": God ordained certain rules regulating marriage in order to protect people. His law was born of love, concern, and compassion for His fallen creatures. The sanctions God imposed on sexual activity outside marriage do not mean that God is a spoilsport or a prude.

The Gospel Of Genesis 13: So there was a time that Jesus was in the midst of the wilderness, and he was hungry and weary and the devil took him by the shoulder and showed him the vast multitudes of glorious cities in the valley below and said to him, “Look, Jesus, there doesn’t need to be conflict between us. There’s plenty for everyone. Look east and west. Look at all the beautiful riches out there just waiting for you. Why don’t you take your pick? You can have it all.”

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