House Rule #8: Build up, don’t beat up

A culture of safety and time means relationships are characterized by building up and speaking the truth in love. Building up requires seeing yourself as God’s appointed chief encourager. When you see one degree of change in someone, you build them up with encouragement: “Look at God’s work in you!” If we didn’t believe in the safety and time of the Gospel, we might see that same change, in that same person, and say under our breath: “About time!” Instead of silent expectations of behavioral change, we rest in the grace of the gospel: it’s O.K. to not be O.K. because Christ is our righteousness—and He’s not finished with us.

At the same time, this house rule requires “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). To speak the truth in love is to apply the truth of Scripture and the Gospel to one another when our lives are not aligned with Christ. To speak the truth without love is to be like a hammer. To be all love with no truth is nothing but fluff. 

But transformation happens when we speak the truth in love. Here’s what this looks like Truth + Tone + Timing. Gospel culture people want all three. 

The right tone without truth just endorses what needs to change and leave us stuck in habits and patterns that damage us and dishonor God.

Truth without the right tone may give us what we need to hear but in a way that we don’t want to listen. 

Truth with the right tone at the wrong time may be more detrimental than helpful because timing matters. You don’t lovingly rebuke your friend at the wedding reception or correct the pattern of sin in your spouse during the six-minute car ride to Trader Joe’s.

Truth with the right tone at an appropriate time best leads to transformation as the truth needed goes forward in love to be heard in the spirit intended.

1 Cor. 13:6; Eph. 4:15; Col. 3:16